BUT I DON'T WANT TO!

I’m going through a phase in life just now where everything is fluid and nothing is stable any more.  Sure, there are some constants, like my eyes are still brown and my husband still loves me, but other things are topsy-turvy and these instabilities could trigger panic attacks if I dwell on them for too long.

 

People would say “Just relax, trust in God.  He knows what He’s doing. He’s got this.  All things work together for good.  For He knows the plans he has for you.  He’s not going to leave you destitute.  Accept His will for your life.”  Here’s the thing.  Some days I don’t want to.  Some days my mind races so fast trying to churn out solutions that I can’t keep up with it. And the scary thing is, there are no solutions.  At least, not any that I can manufacture. That’s part of the problem.  I like to be in control.  To fix things.  To find the solution.  I’ve always been this way.  I was an independent child, wanting to do things myself, and I became an independent, self-sufficient adult not used to relying on anyone except myself.    I’d say that circumstances meant I had to be that way, and while that’s true, it’s also me trying to justify less than admirable qualities in myself.

 

The thing is, scripture is not a bag of pick n mix, where I can choose the bits I want to live by, and ignore the rest of it.  It’s suitably equipped to advise me in every aspect of my life.  For every choice, every behaviour, every situation and every relationship.  It’s easy for me to pretend “do not be anxious about anything” is a nice saying, rather than a God-given command.  It’s easy to think that peace is something we don’t really attain in this life.  That worrying is actually ok.  But let’s be straight with ourselves, that is not what God’s word tells us.  It’s as plain as the nose on my face (and that’s pretty plain, believe me) whether I try to ignore it or not.  Me sticking my head in the sand doesn’t change the facts. 

 

Philippians 4:6 says “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” 

 

Matthew 6:34 says “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” 

 

Proverbs 3:5-6 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

 

Philippians 4:19 encourages us by telling us  “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.”

 

And finally, Isaiah 26:3, “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.”

 

I have to ask for His help in not being anxious, or worrying, and in truly trusting His way.  It’s worth noting that the Lord will make your paths straight when you submit all your ways to Him.  That’s conditional.  It’s a promise with an action required on our part.  If we’re lacking God’s blessing in that area of our life, perhaps we need to re-examine if we’re honouring him as we should. 

We are also told that He will meet all our needs.  Not our wants.  Not our wish lists. Not like some magic genie.  Our needs are quite simple.  Perhaps that’s the bit I’m rebelling against.  Could I really cope with a very simple and frugal life if that’s the path He leads me down?

 

And what about that peace mentioned in Isaiah?  Is it evading me because my mind isn’t steadfastly fixed on Him?  Yep, that’s very likely. It’s fixed on a hundred other things vying for attention in my busy mind.  Where is my focus?  It’s still on the external things I am still trying to fix.  It’s on the “What Ifs” in my life.  Those things I really don’t have any control over.

 

So I have 2 choices.  I can give myself a nervous breakdown by continuing to contradict scripture and do it all myself, or I can let it go, hand it over to the Creator of the universe and everything in it, and breathe easy, because He is capable and I am not.

 

May we find the humility to say “Thy Will Be Done” and to mean it sincerely, because whatever comes, he will give us the strength to face it, and will bring new mercies every morning in spite of us being so undeserving of his mercy and grace.

 

So, I will take a deep breath, and be confident that He holds the future in the palm of His hand, even though  our bank balance continues to dangerously dwindle until suitable employment is found again for my other half.  The “what ifs” of that situation are terrifying, and would seriously rattle me if I give into them. 

               

But I don’t want to.

 

Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.